Making friends with the blues

Today I’m struggling with low-level depression.

Here is the (incomplete) list of things I have found myself thinking about in order to soothe/distract/punish myself: food, sex, kenken, email, despair, self-loathing, my own death, my partner’s death, my dog’s death, baseball, politics, running through all the scripts about all the times I’ve been really, really right about something, all the times I’ve been really, really wrong about something, and all the things I “should” be doing.

Instead, I am trying hard throughout the day to carve out moments of staying with my feelings of sadness and aimlessness, and just letting them be.

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Ah, the humility of it all!

Those who know me know I pride myself on my communication skills, especially my ability to write well.

So it was with considerable chagrin that I went back and read through a series of group emails and recognize, quite clearly, that I had been the sole source of considerable confusion among my team members.

So today I am working hard to strike the right balance of apologizing and taking responsibility for screwing up, while at the same time, not beating myself up too much about it.

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Containment

Today I attended a meeting with a person who, it soon became clear, was feeling unappreciated, unloved, and not seen. The conversation got heated and she lashed out at me, talking to me in a way I did not like. I could see her dynamic and my role in it unfolding, and I chose neither to react (defend myself) nor to try to fix how she felt.

Afterwards, I felt terrible, but I kept feeling into those terrible feelings and asking what they had to say to me. I began to see that the humiliation, rage, and frustration I was feeling mirrored hers. It gave me compassion and insight to what she must be feeling now.

I sat with it longer until I felt beneath the hot anger. I sat until I experienced the inconsolable sorrow of never having enough, and the primal terror of emptiness that sits at the heart of all consciousness.

I felt it for myself, and then I felt it for her, and then I expanded outward, feeling it for all humanity.

When it was over, I felt grateful to her, and I know that in our next encounter, I will be able to approach her with an open heart.

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Self acceptance

Today I had a rare, sweet moment of really liking where my 42-year-old body is right now. I savored it.

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Tastes great and good for you

Today I had brussels sprouts for breakfast. Yum!

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Me time

Today, even though I’m feeling pretty stretched and stressed this week, I took two hours and wrote, just for me.

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Just breathe

Today I really wanted a cigarette. Then I decided against it.

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Count to 10, again and again

Today I got so mad… but I didn’t react, and I didn’t engage.

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Bookends to my day

Guest post by Jasmine:

On my morning hike I kept smiling at everyone on the trail (couldn’t help myself– I was listening to Al Green on my ipod– Love & Happiness…)

Then I brought home daffodils at the end of a grouchy day at work. Hard heart can be softened by beauty!

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Morning ritual

Guest post today: Silver Fox

Hi. I am in week 2 of making my decaf skinny latte at home and using a travel mug.

Having this cup of mostly hot milk is one of the things I “treat” myself to each day.

Thus, the coffee has to taste GOOD, so I have resisted moving to an ‘at home’ version for a long time. The grounds are being composted (my azaleas love them). The real challenge is fitting just one more thing into my prework early morning routine.

(Image found at http://www.flickr.com/photos/eaglesaerie/2162119894/)

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If you want something done right…

Guest post: Cosi

Today I manged to move beyond self-righteous indignation and decided to sweep in front of my neighbor’s house – rather than just getting mad about the fact that he doesn’t.  Felt good!

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Companion planting

Guest post today by Christina:

Today I planted marigolds next to my tomatoes.  Bad for the tomato bugs, but good for me!

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So grateful

Today I… reached out for help when I really, really needed it, and it was there.

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Breathe in…breathe out…

Today I…. wore perfume while I did yoga. Aaaaaaah…

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Ate a little closer to the earth

Today I… ordered a chicken rather than beef burrito. (God, make me a vegetarian, just not yet…)

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Told the scale to get stuffed

Today I… promised reaffirmed that I would judge my body by how well I feel and fit into my jeans rather than by what the scale says.

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